The Course of the Barlow Romance

Lister’s habit of using code phrases for meaningful events and concepts is particularly evident in language around desire. One especially colorful expression was “going to Italy.” Whitbread interpreted this as indicating a fully sexual relationship, but Orr opines that the evidence for this is not included in the excerpts in No Priest But Love, and that the meaning is more nuanced. The other method of signifying especially noteworthy progress in the relationship was with a triple Silcrow symbol.

From the beginning of her Paris stay, Lister perceived the attraction with Barlow to be mutual, and she records various flattering comments from Barlow in support of this. From mid-September Lister visited her daily, with the visits increasing in length. This pattern was disrupted somewhat in early October as Lister turned her attention to de Sans. Barlow communicated her jealousy, but specifically over Lister’s romantic interactions, not over other purely social ones. By such signals, Lister indicated the flavor of her interest and Barlow indicated her awareness of it and willingness to receive that interest. These interactions were performed in front of their close friends, such as the MacKenzies.

After the MacKenzies departed the residence, Lister and Barlow’s conversations turned more overtly to the topic of the sexual possibilities of women’s friendships, referencing the rumors about Marie Antoinette. Lister disingenuously implied that she had never been sexual, but suggested to Barlow that she “should like to be instructed in the other (between two women) and would learn when I could.” Barlow produced a book of poetry including “one woman intriguing with another” and they read it together while sitting in contact. After that, Lister expressed her desire for a permanent companion to live with her and share her bed, but again holding back with “to go as far as friendship can go.”

In the journal, Lister recorded wanting to kiss Barlow. Barlow cautioned that they should avoid quite so much physical display when others were present, but in return Lister pressed forward in private and kissed her several times. The two agreed they were courting. This was around mid October. An initial flurry of indexing symbols was followed by a week of scantier entries that ended with a note referring to “going to Italy.” Earlier, Barlow had made a comment that “Italy would not do for me.” Orr reviews evidence that Italy was peculiarly associated with female same-sex desire in the 17th and 18th centuries, based on both classical and contemporary references, as well as a more general reputation for licentiousness.

The references to Italy seem to initially have had a safe ambiguousness. They joked about the climate, and when Lister suggested she “would go to Italy and try the experiment, that is, get a woman there,” the statement balances between the literal and metaphorical, allowing her to test the idea with Barlow.

All this was before Lister became candid about her sexual history. Barlow suggested that Lister was experienced but Lister refused to confirm it, concerned about disapproval. It was at this point that Barlow inquired about the two rings Lister wore that had been exchanged with Mariana. Barlow correctly suspected that they indicated an existing bond. Barlow indicated that she might be willing to marry Lister, but not to live with her on lesser terms. Lister speculated that if she remained constant as a friend for two or three years, then Barlow might agree to “go to Italy.” [Note: Given her past history, this strikes me as beyond Lister’s powers of self-control.] They continued exploring the practical considerations, but for Barlow it was either platonic friendship or marriage.

Their flirtation and physical affection continued into November even as the trouble with de Boyve was at its height. This included fondling Barlow’s genitals through her clothes. But Lister continued to suggest scenarios in which they might go further, such as traveling together, which would require sharing a bed. Barlow held out for marriage.

This was the context in which Lister related more details of her history with Mariana, and Barlow in turn provided information about her previous marriage, as well as her version of her relations with her current male suitor, Mr. Hancock. Lister was not very comfortable hearing about Barlow’s heterosexual relations, but the discussions helped them explore their feelings about each other. Both of them concealed aspects of their pre-existing ties. Lister avoided admitting that she has been sexual with Mariana after Mariana’s marriage, lest Barlow see it as a current commitment, and Barlow for quite some time refused to share the letters she had received from Mr. Hancock, which would reveal that he had been named as a correspondent in an adultery trial.

At the end of November, Lister someone accidentally let Barlow know about her venereal disease (due to a reference in the letter she was sharing) and then quizzed her on whether it made a difference in the relationship. Lister noted in her journal that she had planned to explain the issue before they became intimate in a manner that could put Barlow at risk. This was the first experience Lister had with such a discussion: Mariana had not warned her, and she had not warned Isabella (to whom she had passed it). Barlow, being familiar with such matters from conversations with other guests, was able to recommend a specialist for treatment.

This marked something of a turning point in the progress of the relationship. Barlow continued in her attentions but cautioned Lister not to be too precipitous in making a commitment to her. But they negotiated certain behavioral requirements, such as that Lister was not to dress in front of anyone else (i.e., be undressed).

In early December, in the face of de Boyve’s reputational campaign, Barlow determined to leave Place Vendôme. Lister’s journal comments focused strongly on how Barlow was a “virtuous” woman, with Barlow’s refusal to accede to anything less than marriage as supporting evidence. At the same time, Lister indicated to Barlow that their behavior had gone too far for a retreat to mere platonic friendship. As they searched for a new residence for Barlow, Lister continually talked of sleeping with her there and met no overt objection. [Note: In context, this appears to refer to literally just sleeping in the same bed, based on later comments.] Lister pressed for further intimacy and towards the end of December succeeded in kissing and sucking Barlow’s breast. Barlow still did not give herself wholely, protesting that Lister was still bound by her pre-existing engagement. But now she allowed that perhaps they might “go to Italy” in six months.

Lister began to ruminate on the practicalities of keeping Barlow safe from her venereal disease if/when they went further. Barlow indicated that her previous willingness to “sleep with” Lister has been predicated on it not being sexual, but now she realized that such an arrangement would not be possible.

At the end of December, on the day Barlow leased her new residence, Lister was allowed to fondle Barlow’s genitals under her skirt and to penetrate her with her fingers. (This received a triple sign in the index.) This, still, did not constitute “going to Italy.”

Lister had not yet moved in at Quai Voltaire, but wrote in a letter to Mariana that she had decided to. Descriptions of “grubbling” sessions lasting over an hour became frequent in the journal. In mid January they both moved to the new residence. They had a long and energetics “grubbling” session that night. Lister has been asking to see and kiss Barlow’s genitals (which Lister referred to as her “queer” – see Lanser 2003) and a few days later was permitted this. The assertiveness was not one-sided. On one occasion, Lister records that Barlow placed Lister’s hand on her genitals as a prelude to grubbling. Lester clearly felt that once she had been permitted a specific activity, it would not be refused in the future. She began to refer to their sexual sessions as “kisses” in the same way she used for encounters with Mariana and Isabella. Lister made a distinction in her records between “kisses” (roughly meaning orgasms) and “excitement,” with further intensifiers used to indicate levels of satisfaction.

There is a long discussion of the nuances and variations on how Lister describes her sexual events. There is a clear distinction between “kiss” used in a coded sense (where it also seems to specify something along the lines of face-to-face bodily contact) and descriptions of oral sex (which are rare) and involve references to the face or specifically “kissing her queer.” Orr connects the dual usage of “kiss” to similar dual senses of French “baiser” and Latin “basia.”

Yet in all this, Lister was still careful about transmitting her disease. In one particularly specific description, Barlow lies on top of her “the tops of our two queers in contact,” but avoiding fuller contact to avoid infection. They also experimented with keeping a layer of fabric between them, and or intertwining their thighs in combination with manual stimulation. But Lister was frustrated when these work-arounds didn’t allow for simultaneous pleasure (which appears to be part of Lister’s definition of a “kiss”). Lister was quite aware of how venereal diseases could be passed, and he had developed various techniques, including cloth barriers, to prevent it.

Barlow was still uneasy about how far their physical relationship had progressed while still considering Lister to be engaged to someone else. She still spoke of “going to Italy” in the future tense. Barlow came to a comfort level with what they were doing if it were considered preliminary to marriage, referencing heterosexual practices considered appropriate for engaged couples. More detail on what “going to Italy” meant is provided by Lister’s note: “I found she would be satisfied if we were what we call really going to Italy, if I could acknowledge her as my own and give her my promise for life.” Barlow, in turn, wished that Lister could be her “acknowledged protector” (although this is language typically used for a mistress).

But these discussions of the logistics of a more established relationship caused them both anxiety as they stretched on through February and March. The journal entries become shorter and showed no change or progress in their positions. Mariana and Mr. Hancock continued as the spectres at the feast. Hancock was ready to offer Barlow marriage, and both Barlow and Lister knew that if Mariana called, Lister would answer. Lister expressed confidence that if they “went to Italy” everything would resolve itself, but Barlow had no such confidence. Barlow was also concerned that if Mariana came to know of the relationship, it would destroy Barlow’s reputation. (And how could she not realize it if Barlow returned to Yorkshire with Lister?) Lister stopped talking about “going to Italy” in the journal, and the journal entries make clear they are beginning to disengage from future plans. This was hurtful to Barlow as it made clear she had allowed herself to become a mistress rather than a future wife. Lister speculated about checking in with each other in two years time.

Another, perhaps minor, incident came between them in mid March. On rising in the morning, Barlow touched Lister’s genitals, saying she would “give her relief” as Lister did for her. Lister reacted negatively, which Barlow interpreted as being due to her being a virgin (pucelle). But Lister complained in her journal “it is womanizing me too much.” [Note: There is, of course, an anachronistic impulse to see Lister in terms of being a “stone butch” based on this reaction and comment.]

In early April, Lister left Paris and Barlow behind, with a vague notion that they might reconnect in the future. They continued to correspond after that.

Orr connects Lister’s experience with a longer tradition of English women seeking sexual liberty and financial ease in Paris. But even more, it allowed Lister to explore what it was she really wanted from a romantic partner.